I’ve recently discovered something and it’s not easy for me to admit because I kind of have a big ego (Just the fact that saying I have a big ego is hard because I don’t want to admit that haha). I have grown to be quite lazy. So lazy, that it actually took control of my life without me noticing it until now.
I’ve been struggling on finding out what I want to do in life. What job I’d like to do for the rest of my life, and what I should study to have that job. At first I was studying in accounting, but I was having such a hard time that I figured it must not be for me. If I had a passion for numbers, it would be easy! That was my thought process; which brought me to taking probably the easiest course on Earth: secretary. But before starting to study in secretary, I had a huge struggle because I wasn’t ready for a full time job that would need me putting my son in daycare. The thought that came in my mind and made me stall my life is that I thought maybe the reason why I can’t decide what to do in life and why I have such a hard time deciding to put my baby in daycare is because my life purpose is to be a stay-at-home mom. That is the thought that made me realize how lazy I’ve become. So lazy, that I’ve started using my son as an excuse to do nothing with my life.
After having that thought, I started thinking that maybe it was just my laziness talking. I talked it out with one of my friends and unknowingly she made me realize the extent of my laziness. My laziness has made me feel content with doing nothing with my life.
Why did I not start working out sooner? I was so motivated when I was pregnant to start to work out as soon as possible after giving birth, but once that time came around, I started saying I was too tired from taking care of the baby to work out. I’ve been using that excuse for a year and a half now, even though right now my baby sleeps about 3 hours in the after-noon and is perfectly fine playing by himself while I do other things.
Why do I not clean as often as I should? Same reason as why I wasn’t working out. Too exhausted from taking care of the baby. And more recently, “He’s taking so much of my time now that he only has one nap, I want to relax when he’s sleeping”, but I always end up not knowing what to do while he sleeps and end up being bored for 2 hours.
Why didn’t I get a job sooner? Laziness made me content with the revenue I was getting from the government. The only thing that pushed a bit of my laziness aside so I’d get a job was the fact that I stopped receiving one of the government revenue and I wasn’t receiving enough anymore to pay what I had to pay. I still managed to find a job that payed well so it didn’t require me to work many hours. Although that is working for now, I’m only gaining enough to pay what I need to pay. I don’t have any extra, which would be great if we want to have a house.
Why did I not study earlier to have a good full time job? For one, I’m way too scared to put my baby in daycare. I know this reason isn’t related to my laziness because I feel in my heart the fear of putting my baby in a stranger’s care and that stranger not properly taking care of my child. It’s a very real fear, not related to laziness. The laziness reason is basically that it made me feel content with what I have right now and not feel the need to have more, even though it would be great to have more.
Now that I’ve realized all of this, my life has become that much harder. I’m pretty much fighting for my life right now. I’m not on the edge of dying, but I am on the edge of losing interest in anything and just be content with the life I have. I don’t want that. This is not the life I want, and I have to repeat this to myself many times a day to keep the laziness at bay. It’s such a huge fight, that I’ve started doubting every single thought that comes to my mind. I doubt every decision I make. Just dissecting everything to make sure it’s what I actually want to do and not what the laziness is trying to make me choose. It’s very hard since I’ve been living this way for I don’t know how long, but it’s a fight I intend to win; no matter how long it takes.
Until Next Time!
Young Mom ❤